Welcome to God’s Network.

By the way, your bill of $177.64 is now due, press one if you would like to make a payment.

If you speak English please stay on the line. Si usted habla español por favor, pulse dos. Press three now for a choice of all other languages.

Please choose from the following options:

If you think you may want one of our hot new devices, text “hot new device” to G.O.D.

To activate your life press one.

To change your life press two.

To report problems with your life press three.

To report a loss or damage to your life press four.

To report problems, loss, or damage to the life of someone you care about press five.

To complain about the service you are receiving press six.

To complain about other people in your life, and what you would like Me to do about it, press seven.

For anything else please stay on the line, your waiting time will be ten minutes.

I’m sorry, that option is not valid. Please try again.

Thank you for calling God’s network. If you would stay on the line after your call is complete we would like you to answer a few questions for our customer satisfaction survey.

And all I can say after this week is I am so glad that God is not like Sprint!