Jealousy – Marilyn R. Gardner

Readers – I’m at A Life Overseas today where I’ll be sharing about envy. It was a convicting post to write and I hope you’ll join me. Oh – and did I tell you I’ll be writing regularly for A Life Overseas? So honored to join this fabulous team of writers!

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We sat in our postage stamp size garden, tea and home-made cookies in front of us. The weather was beautiful — a cloudless seventy degrees, typical of a Cairo spring. It was early afternoon and the call to prayer had just echoed through the area from a nearby mosque.

We were talking about language learning, the time it takes, the struggle, how we vacillated between feeling like idiots to feeling like small children reduced to no verbs and minimal participles.

“I wish I had language ability like Claire. Her Arabic is so good!*”

The cloudless sky darkened and green entered my soul.

“Well – if you and I had been here as long as she has and if we didn’t have as many kids our Arabic would be good too!” I said it lightly with a laugh – eager to hide the ugly of my envy.

She laughed, whether in agreement or out of politeness, and the moment quickly passed.

But it didn’t. Not really.

Because this had happened more than once; this ugly envy that entered my soul around a myriad of things. Whether it was language learning or how many Egyptian friends I had, envy had this way of creeping in and affecting my friendships, destroying unity.

I have met the most gifted people in the world who are involved in life overseas. Men and women who have left much of the familiar and entered into countries where they are guests, forging their way in territory that is unfamiliar from language to food choices. The list of characteristics of what it takes is long and impressive. Adaptability, perseverance, compassion, adventurous spirit, capable of ambiguity, linguistic ability, great sense of humor, empathy — the list goes on and on. But take a group of people, all with the same goal and similar characteristics, insert jealousy and envy and unity is no more.

Because envy is insidious in its ability to destroy relationships. It loves to disguise itself in well-meaning jargon and light humor. It snakes its way into conversation and behavior. It is called the green-eyed monster for a reason.

Jealousy has a way of showing its ugly face in the most inopportune times. Often I am blithely living life in a most confident way and wham bam! The face of jealousy comes on me like an earthquake, or a tsunami, or a slap from a good friend. It doesn’t respect time or place and I feel my face growing hot with the inner questions “Why her? Why not me? Why them? How come I didn’t get that? Why do people think she’s a good speaker? mother? blogger?” And all this on a Saturday morning….or a Monday morning…or whatever morning the ugly face chooses to show itself.

It’s insidious, it’s ugly, and it’s real. It takes over my face and with my face, my identity, and with my identity – my life! And I realize that if my identity rests in who I am versus Whose I am, then it’s a losing battle. Who I am changes with life seasons and jobs – Whose I am will never change.

What about you? Is jealousy an emotion that comes and rocks your world, throwing you off-balance? How do you handle it?