Tag: Humor

Rest in Peace Missing Socks!

Published on by Marilyn11 Comments
Blue sock
My Facebook status said it all:

It’s that time of year again! Time for all the socks with no mates to go be with Jesus! RIP little ones

Seriously people! What’s with socks? The response to my status was overwhelming! Throughout the shoe and sock wearing world (which I recognize is not everywhere and I envy those places where there are no socks or shoes…oh bliss!) it is the cry of the land. Where do these socks go? In what universe do they live? On what planet do they reside?

It’s an economic as well as a social problem and it has to be a conspiracy of the sock industry. There is NO way this many socks can disappear! No way. Every year I end up throwing up my hands in despair. There seems to be no option other than to send these majorly mismatched socks, willingly, to be with Jesus.

And socks are not cheap. It’s a little like going to the dentist, no one goes buys socks because they want them – they buy them because they need them. I’ve rarely seen a coupon for socks, instead I see a “Buy 3 get one free….” Great. Spend $51.00 for three packs of men’s crew socks so I can get one free? No thanks, I’ll just head over to jewelry and see what $51.00 can buy there!

So it’s a Saturday morning, and I’m organizing and sending those socks off. They’ve had a good, though sometimes short, life. RIP little ones!

What do you do with socks with no mates? How have you solved this problem? My friend Pari used the sock dilemma as inspiration for a poem. You can find it here: Lost Socks by Pari Ali. I eagerly await your solutions! 

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And She’s 52!

Published on by Marilyn23 Comments
Middle-aged Kangxi Emperor, age about 40-50.
A Middle-Aged Emperor! Image via Wikipedia

She is me. Today I am 52. 52-year-old bones, skin and teeth. 52-year-old joints, muscles and eyes. 52-year-old toenails, fingernails and hearing. I can just see younger readers dying right now thinking “Good God! Turn her off! Shut her up! Turn down the volume! It’s too much! She sounds so…so….so…decrepit old!”

But let’s take a look at another perspective – I woke up to birthday wishes from across the globe. Before I even had breakfast I had wishes from Finland, Kuwait,Mongolia,Afghanistan,China, Egypt, the Philipines, the United  Kingdom and all over the U.S.  I’ve had 52 years to love and learn. 52 years of watching the miracle of life. 52 years of loving to talk and learning to listen. 52 years experience with conflict resolution management. 52 years of music and stories. 52 years of food from all over the world. 52 years of travel to countries and continents. 52 years of watching sorrow turn to joy. 52 years of learning more about hope, more about people, more about life. 52 years of loving and being loved. And 52 years of God. Looking at the whole picture, I have an amazing résumé!

So at 52 what do I want? I want to take those understandably undesirable things about growing older and sprinkle them with a good dose of humor, joy, and grace and see what comes out of the oven. And….I still want young hair. (is that wrong of me?) Happy Birthday to Me!

PS – Let it be publicly know that I hope I am NOT middle-aged! I do not fancy living until I’m 104.

Bloggers Note: I’ve done a couple of posts on aging – today I’m giving myself a day off  of sorts but feel free to take a look at these!

“Yes Dr. Walker…Of Course I Floss!”

Published on by Marilyn10 Comments

If you polled a group of people and asked them if they lie to their dentist I think you would get a 100% response rate of “Yes!” The minute I walk into the dentist’s office my moral compass changes and anything is allowed.

“When was the last time you had a check up?”

“Oh, I think it was last year some time”

“Oh, really? We don’t have it on record”

Pause.

“OH…that’s funny! I could have sworn it was last year….maybe I went to that other dentist”  ….And then the dreaded question that you know will come:

“Now” pause “Do you floss regularly?”

“Yes Dr. Walker….Of course I floss” And then the dentist looks and knows I’m lying.

Silence. The silence holds all the condemnation that can possibly fit in a single room. As my brother once said “If dentists were priests or pastors, churches would be empty” Imagine the first thing a pastor or priest says to you every week “Did you sin?” And the minute you open your mouth, he/she knows you’re lying.

There is a fear and dread about going to the dentist held by women, men, and children world-wide. No matter how much you’ve brushed and flossed, it’s never going to be good enough! Plus there’s always something we are worried about. The dull ache coming from the wisdom tooth; the spot that bleeds every time we brush; the dread that we have to finally get that crown completed – the temporary one having lasted five years longer than was planned.

And then I think about my brothers’ statement and I wonder about the church “Is that how the church is perceived? As a place where nothing you do is good enough? Where there is a dread and fear? Where condemnation hangs heavy like the silence in a dentist’s office?” And I know that the Church, made of imperfect people, sometimes fails miserably.

I had a visit to my dentist last week. I have grudgingly begun to trust (dare I say even like?) this man. He is practical, clear. and laid back. He accepts me where I’m at and takes it from there, with the gentle challenge “Perhaps you could try this. When you’re ready we could talk about that…”  And I realize that had I stopped going my teeth would be hurting and I would not be healthy.  So can churches be given another chance as well?  To get it right, develop a relationship and gently challenge?

Many people feel like they’ve given the Church that chance, and the Church has failed them repeatedly. I know becaus I used to be one.

Like the dentist, I continued going back. I’m gradually learning and growing; slowly trusting this entity that Christ loves so deeply.

It’s not easy, but neither is going to the dentist and the outcome is ultimately more serious. My journey with the Church has not been easy, but I have learned to honor the struggle and trust the author of the journey.

Dr. Walker was good preparation for a much more important journey. 

You can read more on my journey with the church here.

Blogger’s Note: Remember the Book Giveaway! Invite your friends and family to read and comment or leave a comment yourself! All will be entered into a random drawing for the give away of three of my favorite books! 

Fried Cerebellum and a Master’s Degree

Published on by Marilyn17 Comments

I have mentioned before that my daughter, Annie, is finishing up a Master’s Degree at the American University of Cairo. She defends her thesis on Monday and I wish I was in Cairo. I want to be making cookies and tea to soothe both her cerebellum and her soul as she prepares for the grueling presentation of facts and narrative supporting her thesis statement.

Since I can’t offer that, I sent her the next best thing: a story about Graduate School Barbie (TM). Graduate School Barbie helped me realize that everything I have heard from my daughter for the past three years is real, accurate, and worse than she has described. I knew about the propensity for tears and the different sort of eye ducts, but my daughter never told me that she would have fried cerebellum or that the lining of her stomach would dissolve from the surplus of digestive juices produced by anxiety. I had to discover it from Graduate School Barbie. This Barbie, with her prematurely graying hair, wrinkles, and  sallow skin, is quite a Barbie. Barbie haters may even wish for the real Barbie back, instead of one with grey cells. There are two types of Grad school Barbies and Annie would most relate with Delusional Masters Barbie (TM). We’ll see if she’s willing to move forward and model herself after PhD Masochist Barbie (TM) – I’m secretly hoping that honor will be for my niece and her mom to navigate.

I discovered Graduate School Barbie through the blog Ceej and Em. This blogger suggests Grad School Barbie would make an excellent Christmas gift. Here’s this teaser from the post:

Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun-filled features guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours: Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that turns into a frown after 2 weeks or her first advisor meeting (whichever comes first). Read more here! You will be so glad you did! 

If you have any friends in graduate school, please send them the blog post from Ceej and Em today! It will make everything a bit easier for them to know that a special Barbie was designed with them in mind.

As for my daughter – I am so proud of her fried cerebellum, her overactive tear ducts, and her tenacity. Day after day of putting fingers to keyboard and typing out one word at a time; reviewing the manuscript for one more look at her citations; existing on coffee and adrenaline; and producing a thesis all while going through the upheaval in Cairo is remarkable. She has endured sleepless nights from gunshots and fires in the street, she has been housebound some days, and unable to get to her house on others because of rioting in the streets and she has done it all without her mom. Evidence of how little I am needed? I like to think it’s evidence of her tough spirit!

So join me by drinking a glass of Proseco, (or sparkling cider!) as I celebrate her fried cerebellum and a well-earned Masters Degree.

A Happy Weekend to all!

A Weekend Challenge – Literally or Dramatically?

Published on by Marilyn2 Comments

Some time ago, as we were sitting around the dinner table, one of our kids used the word ‘literally’ in a sentence. My husband looked at her and said “Don’t you mean ‘dramatically’? Why don’t you use the word ‘dramatically’ instead?

And that is your weekend challenge. Every time someone uses the word “literally” around you, ask them to repeat the statement inserting the word “dramatically”.

We know there is an overuse of the word and we are probably all guilty! With this challenge we get a chance to see just how guilty we (and others) are and have some fun. In the middle of the sentence when your teenager says to you “I am literally not going out in public with you again if you do that” calmly look them in the eye and say “I wonder if you could repeat that sentence using the word ‘dramatically’ instead of literally”. They will literally look at you like you have two heads.

I’ve listed some examples to give you a head start:

“I literally fell off my chair laughing!”

“I literally died when I heard that”

“I literally wet my pants laughing!”

“I will literally kill you”

“It was literally the best day of my life”

What have you literally done or not done? What has your child literally done? I am literally going to love getting feedback in the comment section. Write what you heard and then substitute it for dramatically. It will make things so much more fun. Literally.

Perfecting the Bostonian Stink Eye

Published on by Marilyn22 Comments

There’s nothing quite like a Monday morning. Determined to press forward with a good attitude, despite limited sleep and still longing for the comfort that is my pillow, I decide I will conquer the Monday morning blues. And then, I step off the subway and I am greeted by none other than the high heels and designer knockoff suit worn by someone adept at doling out the Boston Stink Eye!

Tour books of the Boston area are generally missing an important section – that of explaining the Boston stink eye. While old buildings, history, beautiful parks, and glimpses of Betsy Ross are part of the Boston experience, it will be the odd visitor that doesn’t also experience what I call the stink eye. To be sure, other places may have this, but they certainly haven’t perfected it the way the Bostonian has.

To explain the stink eye, I would love a video clip. There is, in fact, an online dictionary entry (not limiting the eye to Boston) that describes it this way: “a facial expression of disgust, disdain, or disapproval” but I’d like to expand on that limited definition.  It’s a particular look and it comes in two ways. One is when the eyes of someone are staring right at you, but through you, as though you don’t exist. You are, in a moment, reduced to an ant that can be squished. The second is more obvious – the eyes begin at your feet and slowly travel up your body with disdain, stopping to make eye contact, curl the lips and go back down the body again. It is not pretty. While both types hurt, the latter has the ability to fluster more and sometimes reduces the recipient to tears.

For a long time I thought it was me. That somehow I had that peculiar ability to bring out mockery or disdain. I questioned what I was doing wrong and wondered how I could keep up with the unspoken rules of Boston. And then I realized something big. It isn’t me! It’s part of Boston. Along with the Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins, New England Clam Chowder, coastal beauty, Paul Revere, the North End, and the State House – it’s as much a part of Boston as those more lovely and picturesque things.

So what to do with the stink eye? Passers through can cope because their focus is on other things, but for those of us that move here and, like damn Yankees, stay, it is a more difficult dilemma. The old saying goes, “When in Rome, do as the Romans” or “If you can’t beat them, join them”  and there you have it. I have learned with the best of them and I now know how to give a good old self-esteem reducing Boston stink eye.  Scary, isn’t it? I never thought I would stoop to this, but it’s survival of the fittest and fit I have become.

The good news about all this is that I never, ever use this on tourists and visitors. I reserve it for the Bostonian. The more Bostonian they seem, the better my stink-eye. Critics may condemn, but only until they have experienced this for themselves. After that we’ll talk.

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We will not subjugate to the naked – Learning to speak Ch’ing.lish

Published on by Marilyn7 Comments

There is a new play opening on Broadway that should appeal to any of us who have struggled with communication and language skills while traveling, living and working in other countries. The play is called “Chinglish” and tells the story of a businessman from America who is attempting to set up a business and make his fortune in the city of Guiyang in southwest China.

So what is Chinglish? How well do you speak Chinglish? Take a look at the following phrases seen on signs and see if you can interpret what they mean before watching the video!

  1. The siren Lies
  2. Be mindful of the juicy surfaces!
  3. We will not subjugate to the naked!
  4. The fowl can’t eat!
  5. Penetration will be dealt with painfully!

Today and as you go through the weekend, think about communication in all it’s wonder – the humor, the challenges, the ways we communicate. And if you get a chance, learn to speak a little Chinglish!

Readers – here is a weekend challenge! Guess the meaning of the following three phrases and put them in the comment section. On Monday – I’ll post the answers! 

  1. Beware of Missing Foot!
  2. Chicken Rude and Unreasonable (seen on a menu)
  3. Execution in Progress!

(Attention readers! See the second video clip or the bottom of the post for the answers!)

  1. False Alarm!
  2. Slippery when wet!
  3. No shirt, no shoes, no service!
  4. Don’t feed the birds!
  5. Trespassers will be prosecuted!
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If God Was Like Your Cell Phone Service

Published on by Marilyn2 Comments

Welcome to God’s Network.

By the way, your bill of $177.64 is now due, press one if you would like to make a payment.

If you speak English please stay on the line. Si usted habla español por favor, pulse dos. Press three now for a choice of all other languages.

Please choose from the following options:

If you think you may want one of our hot new devices, text “hot new device” to G.O.D.

To activate your life press one.

To change your life press two.

To report problems with your life press three.

To report a loss or damage to your life press four.

To report problems, loss, or damage to the life of someone you care about press five.

To complain about the service you are receiving press six.

To complain about other people in your life, and what you would like Me to do about it, press seven.

For anything else please stay on the line, your waiting time will be ten minutes.

I’m sorry, that option is not valid. Please try again.

Thank you for calling God’s network. If you would stay on the line after your call is complete we would like you to answer a few questions for our customer satisfaction survey.

And all I can say after this week is I am so glad that God is not like Sprint!