Holy Experience – Marilyn R. Gardner

“Mom, you’re not listening! Look at me!”

“Mom, you’re walking so fast! What’s the hurry?”

“Mom, why are you on your lap top? Can you get off?”

Those phrases, heard so often in the last couple of weeks, they are the mirror to my world – my children. In this case, one child. My easy-going, take things in stride, deep thinking 16-year-old. The mirror he held up was one of a rushed woman in the middle to top of her career who had forgotten how to just “be”. With the purchase of an i-phone and the signing of contracts for consulting work the reflection was too much. I wanted to hide from it.

Into that reflection came a reading from A Holy Experience. A direct challenge to the reflection, a chance to take my son’s words seriously.

“Race for more and you’ll snag on time and leak empty. Hurry always empties a soul.*”

“We stand on the brink of eternity. So there is enough time*”.

I want my reflection re-made by the Time Creator. I want to reflect a holy view of time. But right now? Right now I have to run to the store…and make a phone call…and call the doctor….and make sure I’ve checked email…and…and….and…….

On the brink of Eternity – can you, Creator of Time, redeem my view of time and change my reflection?

*Quotes from A Holy Experience post from 4.19.12

How do you live so that when your kids think of the Grace of the Gospel, they think of you?” Ann Voskamp ~ The Importance of Being the Prodigal Parent

Why did I have to read this at work and have my eyes cloud over my computer screen? Why couldn’t I have read this in the privacy of my home where I could weep unabashedly? Why did Marty have to post from “A Holy Experience” anyway? Why, oh why, oh why did I check Facebook while I was at work?

The tears fall and fall and I pray that my co-workers won’t wander over and see me, head on my keyboard, tears falling and heart overwhelmed.

Thoughts and memories rush over me and my eyes flood again. Because so many times I haven’t lived out the grace of the gospel and it hurts my heart. Because I am such a hypocrite – I sit and I write, and I talk, and I write more, and I talk more…and all the while how am I living?

And then I get mad at Marty because I can’t get mad at Ann Voskamp, because I don’t know her and she won’t care. But Marty knows me well. And Marty will care. And I get mad because she isn’t here to talk to and process these tears and this gospel thingy. And these damn tears….they are like my drippy faucet back home, persistent and never-ending.

But over and over the words “grace of the gospel” come to me. Over and over like the music on the blog, like waves erasing the beach, like the hum of cicadas on a summer night. And I realize that this grace, this grace of the gospel, is for those times when I parented so poorly. For those times when I shouted or swore and I shouldn’t have. For those times when I was overwhelmed and made the wrong decision. For those times when I didn’t pray enough, didn’t care enough, didn’t live my life through the grace of the gospel – for if it can’t cover all of those times, then I don’t want it. The grace of the gospel has to be big enough to cover my parenting.

And the tears slowly stop so now they are like light raindrops on my cheeks. Raindrop tears calmed through the grace of the gospel.

Bloggers Note: The post I was reading as I wrote this was “The Importance of Being a Prodigal Parent”. I decided to post a comment – here it is:

“I was ok reading this post until I read “How do you live so that when your kids think of the Grace of the Gospel, they think of you?” And then the tears flooded and I realized that I can’t read this when I’m at work because too often my eyes cloud over and tears fall and I’m a snuffly mess. 5 I have. 5 who have seen all my hypocrisy, all my flaws and failures and my tears fall more. And then I realize that this, these flaws, are what the Grace of the Gospel is for. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and my clouded over eyes.”

And Ann Voskamp, in all her graciousness, did care! She responded with this:

And 6 here, sister… There is grace and His scarred love covers our sins when we turn. Exactly, Marilyn: “these flaws, are what the Grace of the Gospel is for. ” You see Him. You beautifully see Him, heart open wide for us to come home.

Praying with you right now, Marilyn….