I’m turning 60 on Monday, and I’m here to tell you that if you let it be, life is terrifying. Just today, four days before the auspicious birthday, a news article made its way across the algorithms of social media to inform me of the “Wuhan coronavirus.” Evidently even as I write this, a patient is being isolated in a tiny room, treated by robots, as doctors protect themselves and others from this deadly virus.
And here I thought I would die of old age and wrinkles – but no – it’s going to be Wuhan coronavirus – virus 2019-nCoV to be more exact. By the time I had finished reading the article I was that patient. As a true trauma thief, I had stolen the identity and the disease and instead of celebrating me on my 60th birthday, my children were gathering to say goodbye.
It was a beautiful moment, though just in my imagination. Every mother secretly longs for the deathbed remorse of their children, don’t they? The “if onlys” and “I wish I hads.”
But these moments were not to be, because this was all in my imagination. So, in the spirit of Ann Lamott, here is my “I’m turning 60 and this is what I know…” post, here you have it. (Except that she was turning 61, but whatever.) Do with it what you will, but please be nice to me.
- 60 is not an age. 60 is a concept. “I’m turning 60!” I say to the mirror, trying to get used to is, but it won’t happen. My internal middle age self won’t have it. I’m going to be one of those people that looks in the mirror when I’m 80 and says “Who are you, and why are you in my mirror and where did you put my chin? Show me my real self!” Which leads me to my second point…
- Real is not what we see. Real is much deeper than that. We spend so much time curating and cultivating, pretending and posturing – but real is beyond all that. Real is wondering how anyone can truly love you, yet moving forward believing that anyway. Real is knowing that the eternal is forever and the now is just now. Real is knowing there is a greater reality in this thing called life. Real is the paradox and dance of joy and sorrow in this thing called life.
- God will never give you grace for your imagination – so, my mom taught me this many, many years ago. I believe I first heard it when I talked to her, crying, saying I was afraid that my husband was going to die. He didn’t die, though I went to his funeral that day and wept. It was a beautiful funeral and I was a beautiful widow…..of course it wasn’t real, and I wasted a lot of time crying that day. “God doesn’t give you grace for your imagination, he doesn’t give you grace for what you think might happen. He gives you grace for the real thing – and that in abundance.” Ask anyone who has gone through a tragedy, and they will echo this.
- Motherhood is hard. You will never love more, you will never have your heart so broken, you will never have more sleepless nights – and not because of babies that don’t sleep. But if you can get through it, and that is a big if, the friendships of your adult children and the grace that they find in their hearts to give you is just miraculous. Trust me on that one.
- Find yourself a faith. I borrowed that from this past season of The Crown. As Prince Philip’s Orthodox mother enters the scene, she says this to her son: “Let this be a mother’s gift to her child – the one piece of advice. Find yourself a faith. It helps. No. Not just helps. It’s everything.” Life is so dang hard. Faith for me has made it not just easier, but so worth it. Just the other day a stranger told me “you wear your faith in your cross and in your eyes.” I’ve never had a more lovely compliment. I just hope it’s true.
- Make friends with people who are younger than you. When our son visited us in Kurdistan, he looked at us and said “Mom and Dad! All your friends are my age!” It was true, and there were reasons for it within that context, but beyond that, we’ve always had friends – good friends – who are younger. They keep us grounded. They remind us that we don’t have to have our lives all together. They accept things in us that our peers find tiresome. They remind us that life will go on once we are gone.
- There is nothing like a good cry. It’s like the first signs of spring after winter, like the longing and release when you see a stunning sunset. It’s the release of all those things we bottle up and think we can control. Have yourself a good cry when you need it.
- Get your preventive health care appointments. I mean it. That colonoscopy? It will find the polyp that turned into cancer for your friend 6 years ago when she was due for one. That mammogram? Get it – I mean it.
- Forgive, and forgive, and forgive again. The bitterness that wells up from lack of forgiveness is so much worse than the polyp that turned into cancer. It’s a poison that you drink every day. I have learned the hard way. Give people the proverbial “benefit of the doubt” – don’t assume the worst. It’s so easy, isn’t it, to assume bad intent. Especially when we’re tired, when we’re sad, or when we think we see the person’s middle finger angrily sticking out at us. But maybe they were just born that way. Maybe it’s not us.
- Love fiercely, protectively, and with abandon. You will get hurt – of course you will! You will want to smash things. You will cry. You will rage. But oh, to have on my gravestone “She loved God, and she loved others.” That would be success my friends! That would be true success.
Okay – I’m done. I haven’t died of Wuhan yet – but there’s always time before Monday.
Oh and also, if you are interested – what I really want for my birthday? I want my dear ones to support this community health initiative in a place that I called home last year, a place and people that I love dearly. Click here to give a dollar or ten! Community Health Initiative in Kurdistan
10 thoughts on “On Turning 60”
I almost missed this one!
You, young girl friend…three more yrs and I’ll be the big 80. BUT it is the new 70! That means, you must be 50. Enjoy every moment. 🤗
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You are amazing!!!
You nailed it, Marilyn! Every. Single. Word. Happy Birthday and continued blessings in all you do, and all that you are yet to become. :-)
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I’m turning 60 in May. I’ve already had three colonoscopies! I’ve been getting mammograms yearly since I was 40! I’ve had cancer three times … cervix, uterine & thyroid … & I am currently in remission. I’ve always been a health junkie.
I don’t feel old … I really don’t feel all that different than when I was in my twenties or early thirties … except that my arthritis is much worse. But what occurred to me that other day was that when I was a little girl, my grandparents were in their 60’s … & they were OLD to me. Of course they were! I was a little girl! & now I’m as old as they were.
What I think about mostly is what Buffalo was like when they were my age (& younger) & how it has changed … & not for the better. Also … that day in 1974 … my grandfather would have been in his 70’s at this point … when he was slightly drunk & driving home from a day in Canada & he got lost in afternoon traffic on the West Side & he complained that “this town isn’t my town anymore” … I feel like that all the time now. I totally understand how he felt. That his city was gone.
My city is gone. Sometimes I still see flashes of it … but it’s gone. I am now a tourist in my hometown.
Happy Birthday! And what a beautiful way to commemorate to drop gems of wisdom for others. Be bless.
Happy birthday, Marilyn! I’ll be there in November and concur with your thoughts! How can it be?? Thank you for sharing your wisdom. May God grant you many years!
Yay! Celebrating with you. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. Happy Birthday!
Glad you didn’t die, I enjoy reading your column, but when it does happen, I am positive your children, nephews and nieces will all have great remorse.
Already beat you to it, Marilyn, by a couple of weeks. You are beautiful, inside and out, no matter the age according to the calendar. Thank you for your wise words. As usual, they hit home! Happy Happy Birthday!
I follow you in September- big 6 zero- loved all your thoughts- can I add 1? Older friends such a blessing too & make me feel inspired to age GRACEFILLEDLY⭐️😂🥰🌟🌟🌟
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