I’m struggling these days. I’m trying to process the attack last Sunday at All Saint’s Church in Peshawar. The news reports are still trickling in. It’s not being widely reported on here in the US. Most of my news is coming from others who love Pakistan. We are sharing what we can piece together. Others who’ve grown up in Pakistan, or those who’ve grown a heart for Pakistan, are also trying to come to grips with it all. I have this stir fry of responses going on inside me….a collage of sorts….a patchwork of griefs so deep, so difficult to articulate.
And the weird incongruences of it all are never more apparent than they are in my facebook newsfeed. The discordances are perpetually in my face! My emotions are yanked violently as I read everything from extreme compassion to uber-ignorance; from hyper activism to naïve self-absorption. It’s more than my mind can manage; much more than my heart can reconcile.
I find myself wanting to scream at my computer screen, “Do you people not care?”
A church full of people went to services last Sunday to worship. I’m sure their motives were as varied as the shoes they took off at the entrance to the building. Some went because they always have; some went because their mothers told them to; others went to catch a glimpse of the young handsome medical student who sits quietly on the other side of the room. Others sincerely went to worship, to remember their God, to give honour and praise to His name, to tell him thank you for his faithfulness and His presence with them. Whatever brought them there, to the ancient old white building in the heart of that ancient old city, Peshawar, they were there, participating with the world wide Church, worshiping God.
And what happened after Church last Sunday is incomprehensible. A pair of suicide bombers met them as they filed out. Over 80 people died. Many more were seriously harmed.
It’s too much to understand. It’s too painful. There’s too much loss, too much sorrow.
However life goes on. And life here, on this side of the ocean, is really unaffected by what happens in other places, no matter how tragic. Innocent worshipers are sacrificed senselessly, window shoppers in a mall are murdered, an earth-shifting earthquake kills many, wounds more.
How can we wrap our souls around the extremes of such devastation when all the while we sip our lattes, adjust our thermostats to accommodate the arrival of Autumn and scroll through facebook?
With childhood friends quoting scripture about martyrs and other friends boast cooking chicken and noodles; others remind us to pray for the yet grieving in Kenya in light of the situation at the Westgate Shopping Centre; while still others quip on runs and marathons and vacations and back to school lunch ideas….it seems to me the world no longer makes any sense.
And yet life does go on. Perhaps my facebook friends are in just the same soul space I’m in—maybe they too are agonizing over the injustices and evils in the world. Perhaps this is their way of coping with the unbearable weights of mercy and empathy. I think Hope demands that life goes on. Hope longs for chicken and noodles. Hope is comforted by the idea that normal life can still happen somewhere. Hope delights in grandbabies being born, six year olds starting school and lovers marrying. It helps to know that, by God’s grace, we can continue living, in the face of the dying—not without caring, but almost because we do care and we’re trying to fan what little Hope that we can.
The only place I dare unburden my soul in all of this is in prayer…but I don’t even trust myself to begin to utter those prayers. My petitions are gibberish. Father forgive me, I know not what I do nor what I say.
During times like this I turn to the ancient, foundational, solid prayers that the church around the world prays. I turn to the Book of Common Prayer and I join in with the many across countries and over the march of time. I pour out my soul, with its confusions, and internal chaos, with its doubts and questions, with queries and suspicions, with judgments and deep despair –and I pray:
In Times of Conflict
O God, you have bound us together in a common life. Help us,
in the midst of our struggles for justice and truth, to confront
one another without hatred or bitterness, and to work
together with mutual forbearance and respect; through Jesus
Christ our Lord. Amen
For the Oppressed
Look with pity, O heavenly Father, upon the people in this
(world) who live with injustice, terror, disease, and death as
their constant companions. Have mercy upon us. Help us to
eliminate our cruelty to these our neighbors. Strengthen those
who spend their lives establishing equal protection of the law
and equal opportunities for all through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen
For those we Love
Almighty God, we entrust all who are dear to us to thy
never-failing care and love, for this life and the life to come,
knowing that thou art doing for them better things than we
can desire or pray for; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
And this Sunday I’ll pray for courage for those who wish to worship again….
O God our King, by the resurrection of your Son Jesus Christ
on the first day of the week, you conquered sin, put death to
flight, and gave us the hope of everlasting life: Redeem all
our days by this victory; forgive our sins, banish our fears,
make us bold to praise you and to do your will; and steel us
to wait for the consummation of your kingdom on the last
great Day; through the same Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.