I shut my eyes willing the bright sunlight to soak into me, willing myself to never leave. I was in seventy degrees and sunny. I was in peace and quiet. My backpack full of burdens was unloaded and I rested easy.
But I knew I was going home. And right now home is hard.
Home is ice, snow, and hard earth. Home is question marks and unknowns. Home is unopened mail, dishes in the sink that should be in the dishwasher, potential for conflict.
Home is hard.
I felt myself tensing up – how could I go back to hard? I had tasted easy – I didn’t want hard. I had tasted peace – I didn’t want chaos. I had tasted rest – I didn’t want frenzy. I had walked the clean, cold tiles of my friend’s home, and sat in the warmth of a park while looking on mountains in the distance. I had stopped to take in palm tree silhouettes at twilight and sunsets across an expansive sky. I had slept with no neighbors above me yelling at their dog and pounding across the floor at midnight.
What do you do when home, the place you look forward to, the space where you belong, is hard?
I take a deep breath, hold out my hands, and ask for grace. I breathe in Grace. Grace to enter hard. Grace to enter chaos. Grace to enter frenzy. Grace to enter with gratitude. I can’t do this on my own – I’m desperately in need of intervention.
Because right now? Home is hard and hard needs the transformation that comes through gratitude and grace.
Related articles
- [Gratitude] Thomas Merton (davidhulonhood.typepad.com)
- When Brutality Smashes Into Grace (brokenbelievers.com)
Marilyn R. Gardner 
Thank you for putting in to words how I am feeling and the reminder that grace is what is needed. I really pray that you that you will know God’s strength, love and perseverence at this time. xo
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Right back at you! Thank you Karen – thanks for walking with us through life.
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May you find the grace you are asking for in unexpected ways, above and beyond, overflowing, with baskets full of leftovers!
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“Baskets of Leftovers” – perfect. I posted yesterday as I do everyday, with a prayer on my lips. I am so grateful for the encouragement through these comments. Thanks Julie. By the way – I love your poem Perspective! I’m going to link to it in my weekly link up on Saturday.
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Peace be with you, friend!
Trust in the lengthening days of light, that the cold will pass, just as the other issues will pass.
And know you are loved.
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Yes! I thought of that today – every day is 3 minutes longer until June 21st. Love that. Thank you so much. so much. for this comment. xo And already seeing some of the question marks erased.
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You expressed that beautifully:)
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Thank you! Did you recognize your tiles in the post?! Thanks for everything.
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what bettie said. keep watching for the small gifts along the way, trusting in the big gifts which are being created through the painfulness…praying for you. xoxo
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Thank you Marty! Small gifts that are really huge – warm showers on cold days, warm houses and hot tea, soft couches with big pillows…the list goes on.
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You could move to the sun belt. Just a thought.
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And a GREAT thought! We lived in Phoenix for 41/2 years and I have a visceral response to the landscape.
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“One Grace at a Time” dear Marilyn.
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And I so need that right now. Thanks. This is one of the many times that I have to go back and learn to live out my blog posts! Love to you Bettie.
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