I met Deanna Davis through blogging, and it was an immediate TCK connection. Deanna writes with honesty and clarity about her faith and her life as a TCK/ATCK. I think you’ll love this piece by her: “When Following Jesus is a One Way Trip”. There is more information about Deanna at the end of the post along with a link to her blog. Enjoy!
While living in Germany for several years, I was painfully aware of the fact that I wasn’t German.
If the language and culture were not daily reminders for me, then the Germans certainly were. It isn’t that my German friends didn’t genuinely love and value me. I know they did. But one of them let a revealing Freudian slip pass once that marked me. I forget the context of the conversation, but at some point she said, “Well, you know Deanna, when we (meaning Germans) talk about you…”.
I’m sure the dot dot dots were positive. And I guess I should be flattered that people cared enough to make me a subject of conversation. But all I heard was, “You guys talk about me? When I’m not there?” The meaning was clear. They were German, and when the Germans got together, I wasn’t one of them. I was the American on the outside. I didn’t really belong. Not like the Germans did anyway.
This wasn’t unexpected. Of course in my head I knew I wasn’t German. It’s just that I had made such a tremendous effort and so many sacrifices to try to fit in. It broke my heart to realize the place I’d called home for the last few years wasn’t really home.
Then there was the time we were back in the States over the holidays for the first time in years, sitting in our big-suburban-cookie-cutter church’s Sunday morning extravaganza. And I knew in that moment, in fact, I think my heart even used these words, “This isn’t home anymore”. The styles, the themes, the subjects of conversation. None of it spoke to me. The connecting points were gone and I remember feeling so out-of-place that I wept. My home wasn’t home anymore.
It was an “Oh cr@p!” moment for me. Was this what Jesus had asked me to give up as I followed Him overseas? I didn’t belong in Germany – and now I didn’t belong in the states either.
Had following Jesus made me homeless?
I can see now it was one of the unexpected costs of following Jesus. What before had been comfortable, normal and “mine” was no longer so. He had changed me. Changed my heart, the things I like, the things I got emotional about, the things I wanted to talk about, the relationships that anchored me, the very definition of words in my heart like home, success, normal, enough. I wasn’t the same person who had left America with Jesus a few years earlier. I had returned quite different – with more of Jesus and less of me. Not American. Not German. Homeless. And there was no going back.
I am coming to realize that sometimes following Jesus is a “forward-only” proposition. It is a one way trip. I can never again be the person I once was. I can never fully return to the relationships I had. What used to satisfy or make me happy doesn’t anymore. And it has taken me the last 3 years to figure out something of what this means in my life.
It means that Jesus loves me too much to let me remain unchanged as I followed Him. He loves me too much to let me return to the “me” I was before He and I started walking together. And we are never going back.
Deanna Davis is an ATCK (Adult Third Culture Kid) who grew up in a military family and lived and traveled around the globe. She is also a writer and blogger interested in the intersections between the eternal and the now. You can read more of her work at Intersections, her personal blog. The quote below gives a little glimpse into what she loves!
“If I could do anything I wanted with a day I’d spend most of it walking through a really beautiful place, reading something intellectually challenging, eating something spicy and then talking it over with someone I love.”
9 thoughts on “When Following Jesus Is a One Way Trip”
Deanna, I loved your post. My experience was/is just opposite of yours — me, the German, trying to find a home in America while Americans acted similarly and at times still do. It took me several years to realize when holding onto what once was, we are emotionally torn apart. It is truly necessary to let go in order to grow in the Lord. Thanks for sharing, Petra :)
Reblogged this on Monkeys in My Bag and commented:
“It broke my heart to realize the place I’d called home for the last few years wasn’t really home.”
So glad you reblogged this! It was a good one wasn’t it?
Loved it! Mind if I reblog it?
Wonderful story and true, true words! Thank you so much for sharing this with us, Marilyn. I am delighted to find another kindred spirit in Deanna. Heading over to her blog now for a good read!
What a heart warming story. Another proof of “we can never go back” only forward and grow or slip into the abyss.
Bravo, well said! You sound like a kindred spirit! Bless you, you’re a pilgrim & a stranger (some of us stranger than others) a’wandrin’ on the upward trail (to mix a few childhood songs).
I always tell people that missions or moving overseas will ruin them forever. They’ll never be at home anywhere ever again. They usually smile a little perplexed and then walk away. I’ve had more than one person come find me years later and admit that I was right. It’s a good kind of ruining but it is a ruining nonetheless! Blessings on you Deanna. You articulated this so very well. Forward march!