Failure came on like a virus this week, only instead of the runny nose, headache, and feverish brow it was the self hate, the loathing, the sense of inadequacy.
And there was no Tylenol PM or cold medicine for this virus. Just tears and sadness and “if only’s”.
I felt uniquely unqualified.
The tears started early morning when the alarm went off and I was bone tired. They turned into anger when I realized I hadn’t planned well and would be late to the meeting where I was expected. Continuing through the day every where I looked were signs of my inadequacy — work undone, home in need of organizing, emails never responded to, and reminders that I am inadequate as a mom.
I was miserable in my virus of failure. The tears brought a cathartic release to the pent-up feelings. While they trickled in the morning, they poured like a monsoon rain in the afternoon. With each tear came a confession of failure.
These times, during these viruses, when Tylenol or Advil have little effect, this is when I need the voice of God, when I need the truth of God. Truth about who I am, and truth about who He is.
And truth is that I join the “march of the unqualified”, that group of people I read about who were inadequate, who failed. The King who stayed home from battle and slept with another man’s wife; the prophet who ran from the call of God and ended up in the belly of a whale; the man raised in the Pharaoh’s household who said “I can’t do it! I can’t speak! Let my brother speak for me”; the woman who said “Let’s trick your dad into thinking you are your brother so that you can get the birthright”.*
All these, uniquely unqualified, somehow survived the virus of failure, and were met by God, were used by God.
None of my circumstances have changed, I still feel the after effects of this virus. And just like after a fever, I am weak. But the tears have changed. Instead of self loathing and inadequacy I cry out to God for his love and his adequacy and exhausted I kneel in confession.
And with confession come this truth – that when the virus of failure envelopes me, He who does not fail surrounds me.
*Biblical characters – David, Jonah, Moses, Rebekah
16 thoughts on “And Failure Comes on Like a Virus”
Sounds like a hard day. Been there many many many times and often practically live there. Love to you.
It’s so hard to live in this place…yet, there’s also that sense of knowing that when we’re in that place we know grace, can experience grace in ways that confidence doesn’t always bring.
Regret is a bitter beverage…but the after taste is grace….if we swallow the regret…. but it’s so hard to get it down….. I’m so sorry Marilyn.
Oh – love this – described so well Robynn. And yes, goes down with choking.
Just what I needed today!!! Thank you Marilyn!
Ah Lori – thank you, thank you! We must be in a similar place right now.
Oh, you nailed this one. Thank you.
Thank you so much Jocelyn – have I ever told you how much I love that you read this blog?! There! I’ve told you. But no pressure.
I meant – no pressure to continue!!
Thank you Paulette – these words meant so much to me.
better than tylenol:
sung in the car (on the way home from work!)
sung as loud as possible, with a mixture of tears
Ohhhh – haven’t had a chance to listen yet but can’t wait! Thank you.
Thanks Marilyn…I identify…
As sad as I am that you too are in this space, I love that we can communicate about it and girl – I sure know how to pray for you! Praying the virus goes away quickly!!