Sometimes we come to points in our lives where we seriously question the sovereignty and wisdom of God. While I know this is ill-mannered and audacious, I still do it.
I had one such moment 15+ years ago when I found out that I was pregnant with our fifth child. Did God not know that I was seriously under qualified to raise 5 children? Did he not know that we were struggling with other things in our lives that made the idea of another child impossible? Did God not realize that I had two friends begging Him for children and they were being ignored, while my womb was like that of a teenager who merely had to stand downwind from a teenage boy to get pregnant? There I was, fertility personified, and to use Biblical language poised to become heavy with child.
We were living in Cairo and had just moved from one part of the city to another 1/2 hour away. The day I went to the doctor, we were expecting a group of 20 students to arrive from the United States for a study abroad program that my husband directed. It was a chaotic time and there was little chance to be alone and process the pregnancy, never mind the bigger issue of the sovereignty of God. I hid my growing stomach under Bill Cosby sweaters, all the rage at the time, and managed to go four months before having to let people around me know. At that point I was slowly becoming used to the idea and so could come up with clever quips to snap back at the insensitive words of not so well-meaning friends and acquaintances.
The reality was that my other four children were over the moon. They couldn’t have been happier and wise friends of mine reminded me that I would far rather have 5 children than just one or two, but I thought I had told God that four was perfect.
I gave birth two weeks ahead of schedule in a hospital on the banks of the Nile River to Jonathan Brown Gardner. The moment I looked at him my questions to God dissolved in his soft baby skin. He was perfect in every way. Never had I been more aware of the glory and wonder of 10 fingers and 10 toes, a suck reflex, and eyes with perfect vision that slowly took in the world around them after first fixating on the face of a mother, and that mother was me.
At 22 inches long and 6 lbs 12 ounces, he was put into my arms and in an instant I was overwhelmed with love for this child and the wisdom of God.
Today that baby turns 16. He is a blithe, wise 16-year old with an old soul. Handsome and engaging, he alternates between delighting me and driving me crazy. His musical and artistic ability astound me and he will be nobody’s tool.
I am just one of a number of women, who through the years have had babies and pregnancy give them life lessons on the sovereignty of God. I join the ranks of Sarah, wife of Abraham who had the opposite problem and tried to take things into her own hands. Hannah, who begged for a child with agony too deep for words. Elizabeth, wife of Zechariah who in her old age conceived, much to the surprise and gossip of those around her. And Mary herself, who as a teenager said the words “How can this be” to an angel who told her she would have a child.
As the months go by what we originally think of as a mistake turns into a surprise, ultimately becoming neither, as we witness God’s sovereignty in the form of a baby. Happy Birthday to Jonathan Brown Gardner – I can’t imagine life in our family without you!